After looking at my List of Lemmings, I think most of them can wait, especially since I bought the Milani shadows. My last makeup shopping will probably be at ULTA where I get the NYX mascara, and perhaps just one or two eyeshadows if they have the colors I want. Plus the Target for the Milani pressed powder, but I think that's just about it.
Right now I think my money should go towards CLOTHES lol, so it's not that I'm saving any money, but I'm thinking it's better to spend my money on clothes that I know I will wear more often than makeup. Plus my bf agrees on that clothes is a bit more worth to get since they last forever--makeup expires some day.
During spring break, I'm definitely gonna have to stop by Forever21 and see if they have the dresses that I want. I think I'd really feel better in buying clothes knowing I'll wear it
...I guess it's just that I don't wear makeup since my mom prefers me not to. I was playing with my Milani eyeshadows the day I got them and my mom walked into my room and she's like (of course in Viet, not in Eng): "uggg you always put on makeup too often"...and I stand there thinking...I'm just playing with makeup, not going outside with it on, and she's already on me about makeup.
Honestly it hurts my feelings. Makeup is fun for me and a hobby while at it. Can she not appreciate that I'm more interested in playing with makeup than going out doing drugs? I'm already a non-party-goer, I keep up my grades, I'm in 3 college credit classes in HS, I never dress slutty, I rarely cuss(online and in person), I go to all my family events, and I am careful on spending my money (yes that means I actually get out of the store 99% of the time without makeup, clothes, NOTHING while my friends come out with like 4 bags out of the mall). I just don't understand what else does she want me to do? Makeup is a way that I can express my art too now that I'm not in Art class anymore. I didn't want to take AP Art since it's too time consuming and my teacher was more concerned with us students making money in art competitions so the money can go to her and the school, not to the students who created the work.
Anyhoo, I'm 17. I am fully aware that I'm not an adult in age nor the mind, but hey, I'm not a CHILD! It bugs me every time I go to the mall or to a store and pick out something I like, and my mom's all like, "no you can't get that because it's too sexy and short".....uh...NO. The things I pick are school appropriate. If the school approves of what I wear, then most likely the clothes is deemed appropriate since schools are the pickiest in dress code. Like, for example, I tried on this dress and the length goes a above the knee, but below mid-thigh, and she says that's too short and skanky. Mid-thigh is my school's dress code requirement for length and of dresses and skirts and shorts, and yet I picked out something that is more conservative than the school dress code, and my mom says it's too short. I just don't get it. There are way more skanky 6th graders out there wearing tiny tank tops and shorts too short to the point where their underwear can probably cover more than their shorts, and here I am being complained at of how I dress. With every dress I have, even BELOW the KNEE length, my mom keeps wanting me to wear black tights. and I'm like...OMG it's freakin summer in TEXAS. I can NOT possibly wear black tights, meant for winter, for the HOT 100 degree weather we have here in TX. I just CANT. I'd practically die if I did that. I wish she'd let go and let me wear those dresses WITHOUT tights! Then even with long-length dresses and skirts, she bans me from wearing them to the mall because she said the wind will blow them. Well you know what? What is the freakin point of buying something if I can't wear it to school, around the house, or to the mall. seriously.
Then I once wanted to wear a skirt to school that is BELOW knee-length, that means it's obviously long enough and my mom freaked out that I'm wearing a skirt to school. She told me to change into jeans because I look like I'm "showing off" when I'm wearing a skirt. Then literally a month later she questions why I never wear skirts to school...and I'm standing there wanting to scream "WTF!?!?! you freakin banned me from wearing skirts yet you now question me why I DON'T wear skirts!?!"
When at the store too, she likes it when I buy skirts, yet she doesn't allow me to wear them. That's....just...it just doesn't make sense.
Another time when I went to Macy's, I tried on this DKNY tank top and my mom said that I'll have to hem up the straps since it's too low and I will be "a show off" if I put it that low. My aunt, who was with us, and much more conservative than both me and my mom, told my mom that I don't need to hem nothing up. She said that I'm a teenager with a small body and I should make the most use of it with clothing before I grow up and might end up big. Not only that, but she told my mom that the tank top isn't too low either. My mom just went with a "whatever" type of attitude with it. I love my mom dearly, but she gets way too hypocritical some times and it bothers me so much.
I HATE being called a "show off" since I always wear shirt and jeans to school. No heels, no fancy shmancy dress going to school, no makeup to school...and I'm just about banned on so many things. It's like my mom is used to saying "no" to everything. It's so annoying. Even when I'm just LOOKING at clothes, my mom says no I cannot have it. I'm always like "mom...i'm just LOOKING at it, calm down. I'ts not like I'm gonna buy it anyway, it's too expensive and I know those aren't comfortable", or somewhere along that line. That just aggravates me that I can't even look at some stuff without her bickering at me as if I'm about to buy it when I'm not.
Oh, and another thing. She likes to impose on me whatever SHE wants to wear herself, but can't. For example, my EYEBROWS. She loves thick eyebrows and she wished she had my eyebrows, but I believe my eyebrows need shaping. I don't want thin eyebrows. I just want to shape and clean up my brows so they look, well, CLEAN, not like a freakin rag above my eyes. I went to the salon ONCE this summer to get my brows waxed and trimmed. Then now recently I asked her if I can have my brows trimmed only, NOT waxed, and she said NO. She said SHE likes the way my brows look. Well....what about ME? Does it come across her mind about what ME, I, ME want? Why does it always have to be what she wants for me? Can't I decide something for myself?
This also applies to my hairstyle. She forbids me to cut my hair short to above shoulder length because she said she always wants to have long thick hair like mine since she's old now and her hair is thinning. Well that's NOT fair. Just because SHE is affected doesn't mean she needs to restrict how my hair is. I don't dye my hair. My hair is a hair-dye virgin and very much so healthy. Plus, did she forget that hair GROWS!?! Just once, I want to cut my hair short into one of those really cute Asian hairstyles that you see in Japanese magazines. UGGGG.
Not only that, but my mom hates it when I wear nailpolish too. Yea, I'm basically controlled from head to toe for appearance. I remember painting ONE NAIL pink to test out the color, and my mom freaked out and told me to take off the nailpolish. Then I didn't listen to her and then wore my nails dark plum purple for winter, and my mom said that I should not paint my nails because they are already healthy and they will get yellow if I put nailpolish on. Well first off, I put on a clear base coat to protect my nails. The last time I painted my fingernails was Homecoming, and guess what, that was OCTOBER 2007. I haven't had my nails painted in MONTHS. I'm generally not a nailpolish person but sometimes I have an urge to paint my nails and why am I not allowed to do that? And what's hypocritical is that my mom ALWAYS comes out with nailpolish on because she goes to parties with my dad.
There are two things "wrong", so to speak, with that image that I described right there. First off, my mom wears nailpolish much more than I do and tries to ban me wearing nailpolish. Second, she goes to more parties than I do. And guess what, since I dont' have a car nor insurance (but I do have my Driver's license), I'm ALWAYS left home alone past midnight and I usually eat dinner alone on weekends since my parents leave me cuz of their multiple parties. So that's weird. My parents going to more parties than I do, and I'm the teen. But I prefer not going to parties anyway, but you get my point.
Also, I remember in 6th grade when I wanted to shave my legs because of the infamous GYM CLASS where all the girls are in the locker room and that's when you first encounter everything on your body. I had freakin hairrrryyyy legs and all the girls (95% white dominated middle school) had clean shaven legs while here I am with my black hair all over my legs. I begged my mom to let me shave my legs but she said no. Then when picture day came, I wore a skirt, but with pantyhose, yes, nude pantyhose, to school to cover up my hair. When I wore that in the morning before being dropped off at school, my mom asked me why I'm wearing panty-hose. I told her that my legs are hairy and I don't wanna show everybody how hairy they are. She FINALLY gave in and let me shave. Her first initiative to NOT let me shave is because SHE has hair that is hard/prickly like a guy's beard because she uses my dad's electric shaving. She said whenever you shave, the hair will turn out like that so she didnt' want my hair like that. And I'm like...no....the only reason why her hair turned out like that cuz she constantly used a guy's electric shave and doesn't use shaving cream. She could go wax her legs and slowly get back the hair to normal. But no, she imposed whatever SHE did on me.
I understand my mom is just looking after me and protecting me like most parents. Like, for the clothes, I'm very sure she doesn't want me getting attention for the wrong reasons and I know she didn't want to raise me as a child who depends on looks. As for the brows, I'm sure she just didn't want me ending up like alotta old asian women who shave off all their brows and draw a harsh line in. As for my hair, I understand to "make most of what I have" now since I'm young.
But you know what? I shouldn't be controlled that bad to the point where I can't even enjoy myself. I live in constant fear in being caught for little things like makeup.
That's why I always badger my bf to take me to the store to get makeup and I'm always scared in being caught buying them. Also I'm scared being caught having nailpolish on to the point where after I paint my nails, I always try to hide my hands from her eyes during dinner.
I'm not even allowed to stop by the makeup section while we are at the grocery store because my mom says it's a waste of time and she doesn't want me to buy any, so whenever I go to the grocery and am assigned a food to go get, I get the food and then sneak over to the makeup section and make it back to my mom on time JUST to get a glimpse of makeup. It's that sad. For me, I actually don't really have to or want to buy makeup. I actually find a HUGE bunch of joy just LOOKING at all the colors and products. I just love it for some reason. A lot of times I don't have any urges to buy makeup--just urges to look at them, and I can't even do that--I have to SNEAK to just LOOK at makeup.
It just wears me out so much that I can't do this and that, yet I'm 17. I see 2 year olds with nailpolish on and haltertop shirts. I see middle schoolers in my area wearing high heels and carrying huge Coach purses already. And you know what? I don't need to do all that stuff. I just wanted the permission to have or wear etc the stuff. It's not like I'm gonna paint my nails 24/7 if my mom lets me. Same thing for makeup. If she really truly allowed me to wear makeup whenever I want, I actually wouldn't go outta the house with makeup that often since I'd be too lazy to put it on or something. I just want the permission.
okay I think I'm done ranting. If I have any more, I'll add to the bundle of essays I just wrote. Sorry for a boring rant entry. I had to do it since I am going bonkers right now.