Monday, November 3, 2008

RANT. Asian Mothers. Girls, You Know the Deal

I don't get it.

Everything has progressively gotten worse. To be honest with you, I just want to run away, but I have no where to run to, and no money either. I don't have a car and I live in freakin Texas so I can't walk ANYWHERE. To go to a place it's like you have to drive there. On top of that we have horrible weather. And possibly one of the most crimes committed in the country in our city so i'm not exactly safe if I were to go outside the house doors.

I am going CRAZY.

crazy

crazy

crazy.

"you better study or else you'll fail"

blah blah blah.

am I really that much of a failure? NO! I know I'm not! I don't drink, I don't do drugs, I may not go to the best college but I'm not failing anything. The only thing I'm doing is Asian-Failing.

I'm tired of being called a failure. I'm sick of being picked at EVERYTHING. literally EVERYTHING i do is wrong. It doesn't matter how much evidence is presented to prove my innocence or to prove I am correct--to my mother I am wrong.

Funny thing is that as each year passes by, my mom thinks i grow exponentially dumber and more helpless and more of a failure. She mentally abuses me so much I am surprised she hasn't physically abused me-- as in slap, or whatever.

I want to move out into an apartment but I can't bc I don't have money. On top of that, I don't even have a car to drive myself around even if i do get an apartment. The bus systems are okay--but not safe enough for a tiny girl like me to be riding around.

I am trying to numb things out. I am trying to not care. I am trying, but honestly, there's only so much and for so long I can do this. I can't stand being criticized over something i didn't do wrong, and it's not even regular insulting. It's bullying and bashing and abusing my mentality.

I don't even feel loved in my home. Hugs? none. Someone to tell me they love me? only my boyfriend.

I just feel bullied to the max. I am the only one living in my house right now with my parents so I logically am the only target left.

What am I supposed to do with my life now. I'm falling apart inside and everything hurts.

For those who have dealt with this, or are currently dealing with this, how do you survive!!?! I'm stuck.
____________________

EDIT:

yea unfortunately I already tried talking to my mom.

i cried. I told her she hurts me (and yes i used the word hurt). I've ran away.....to the mailbox--what an accomplishment -___-...and called up my aunt to pick me up but she obviously called my mom and they were chatting away while i was out in the rain. I tried yelling. I tried not saying anything to her and "temporarily accepting her words", I've tried talking in a respectful tone. I tried so much. It's hard to see yourself care so much when the other doesn't care in return.

and sadly this has been going on my entire life. It's just now it's gotten exponentially worse.

25 comments:

jewels said...

have you tried talking to your parents (or mom if she's the only problem).
DO you have siblings? Maybe have them talk to your mom?
lol your mom can be in a state of hardship and putting anger on you???

I was lucky that my mom had excepted me at a very young age that I wasn't the brightest straight "A" student any Asian Parent want their child to be. My mom is very outgoing and open, and let me sprout and do what i was interested in. She was lucky that I am not into drugs or drop out of skool hahaha. Since she was so open. But then she had just enough dog leash to pull me in when i was stubborn and a rebel (in my teenage years).

fuzkittie said...

Could anyone else in the family help talk to her too? :[ I'm so sorry, I really feel for you, because I've been going through similar things my entire life... :[[[

jeSmakeup said...

wow im sorry to hear.. r u like thhe only daugther? ur mom shouldnt be doin this to u.... its not good for the health either... esp while growin up n u keep havin ur parents on ur ass like that... sucks... i kno exactly how u feel tho... my mom is a single parent... im realy stresed a lot esp while growin up.. how ppl treat me.. so now its just gotten to me more... sighh

ilurvemakeup said...

My mom always hints that I should be like my sister - a nurse! Only recently she accepted my career of choice in the beauty industry. Typical Filipino family always seems to expect their daughters to be a nurse and their sons to be doctors or in the military. Just don't forget the path YOU want your life to go while still trying to respect mom. I've rebelled against my folks a lot growing up and if you show them that you are capable they will slowly see it and gain a little more respect for you. Not sure why your mom is taking this route with you as a cover up motivation, but I've had other family members and friends do this to me thinking putting me down will motivate me to do better. In short it only pissed me off!

My friend is having the same issue with her mom too. The problem is she's my age and hasn't left the nest yet (no idea why). Once you're on your own, you can prove to mom your not as stupid or incapable after all. Hope mom chills out for a bit and don't let the negativity around the house with her follow you throughout your life. The word 'failure' is just a term I swear people use to (fai)'lure' you into thinking you are when in reality you're really not.

SUGABUM said...

I don't have any advice to give you, except FUCK, I HATE ASIAN-STYLE PARENTING!!!!! Both my bf and I are going through the same thing, and both of us are the most successful out of all our siblings!!!! Fucking ridiculous!!! These kind of Asian parents are not logical. Nothing will ever freakin satisfy them. I guess I do have some advice after all. You have to learn to be proud of yourself for your individual accomplishments. These kind of parents don't know how to praise or congratulate or simply be happy for us. It's just part of their personality, their train of thought. And you have to realize that it's not only YOUR parents, but lots of Asian parents, which means that it must have been something ingrained into them as a cultural thing, and they don't know any better. So you can't change them, no matter how you hope or pray or try. I mean, in some cases, they might change, but most likely not. So you can't keep hoping they'll change. You have to start taking life into your own hands. However little control you have over life right now with no car and no other place to run to or anyone to speak about it with, you DO have control over yourself as a person. If no one else notices your accomplishments, at least YOU DO and don't deny that feeling just because your parents don't acknowledge it. You have to believe in yourself, you have to encourage yourself, you have to push yourself to be the best person you can be because your parents are not doing their part. I am completely ranting right now and I can probably go on forever with this, but I won't. Pretty much the only thing that has gotten me by all these years is to be proud of who I am and am satisfied with myself, regardless of whatever the fuck my parents think. Take their words for what it is, it's who they are, but don't let it eat you up like it is now. I don't know if I made any sense in this comment, but I hope I did. You can always email or message me if you need to talk about anything or just rant or whatever. We need all the outside support and assurance we can get since we don't get any from our own family!! Asian parents suck.

Askmewhats said...

My sister is the same, though I'm not the favorite, and obviously my mom's favorite was my big bro...I saw how my sister struggled to talk to my mom and it just won't work, I guess it really takes time ..and the funny thing is...your mom definitely thought the exact same thing as you think, "why isn't she understanding me? Why isn't she accepting the fact that i'm doing this because I just dont' want her to fail?" You know what i mean? It's just the big gap between you and your mom that won't be fixed in an instant..it really takes time...I suggest you look for someone you trust, someone you feel comfortable with (your BF) and spend some quality time doing your homework and at the same time doing the things you love, in this way you won't go crazy trying to get answers that aren't there for now... *BIG HUGS*

yumeko said...

i'm so sorry to hear dear
i know what you mean about asian failing. parents just need to realise that we arent idiots and it will work out in the end

HUGS
take care!

CKR said...

I'm sorry about what's happening to you. All I can say is, don't feel unloved, because, warped as it is, that is how your mom shows concern. Unfortunately, in the Asian cultures, this type of behavior is rather typical, and because children experience it growing up, when they become parents, they repeat the same thing. I can only tell you that you should try not to take things personally. It will be hard, and I know you mentioned you've tried. The most important thing is, when you have your own kids one day, don't repeat what your mom is doing too. You can be the one to end the cycle. For now, try to tough it out till you can scrounge up enough cash to get a car, then eventually an apartment. Believe it or not, the day will come when you and your mom will understand each other, but it may take a few years of you being on your own first... Good luck!

Cynthia said...

I felt so sorry to hear that..
And yeah...Typically Asian parents always wanted their child to be the straight "A" student -just like my mom.
As for me, I never good with my mom as my mom often compare me to my bro who is much more a good son than i do. (Yeah I have to admit I'm always rebellious).

As long as you had try your best to achieve what you want,you're always the best!! Sometimes parents tend to over-said something they don't really mean it. Even though your mom said you'll fail,but I bet she never ever wants her daughter to fail. She just wanted to motivate you but she the wrong way.

The only thing that I can say is communicate more with your mom or maybe your dad. Don't think that your mom doesn't love you. She cares about you that's why she nags. If she doesn't than that don't sounds positive. No matter what happen to you,home are always the best shelter you have- no worries,no enemies around to harm you. (I realized this when I left home a year ago to further my studies) ^^

Chiara said...

I can SO relate to you. I've gone through the same thing... and it still hasn't stopped. I've tried to please them, run away, done the rebel thing... It didn't work for my parents. They're effing mad. I agree with Sugabum, it comes with their culture. I always see this parenting method work on my cousins in Asia-- my parents constantly compare them with me and ask me why I don't listen to them like my cousins do... Shit, those kids will let their parents arrange a marriage for them. I can't take that sort of BS.

I get it the worst. I'm the oldest person of my generation on both sides of my family so not only do I get shit from my parents, I get it from aunts, uncles, grandparents... the whole deal.

I love being in college away from home (other than having the bf far away), I don't have to deal with the daily put downs from my parents... When I'm done, I'm moving out. Hopefully grad school near my bf, then maybe our own place. I'm getting the ef out!

Power to you Snugs, my best advice for you is to wait it out. You won't hear it everyday when you're away from home and when you're back from college, get a job and move out fast. I'm always here to talk if you need it.

jamie said...

asian girl here. i know exactly how you feel. my dad is like your mom and imagine im still scared of him, im 23 yrs.old. im an only child so you know its important for me to please them. my dad thinks that being me (makeup, skincare, being girly) is not expected of an engineering student. he thinks no one will take me seriously because i am being "pretty" that i care much about myself. its hurtful that he doesn't think ill amount to anything. i want to prove him wrong but i cant because as i go on with my life i think of me as a failure and that i cannot do anything right. i cant help it but it affected my life big time. right now im struggling to change for the better. i try not to be so much affected with what my dad thinks cuz im different from him. most parents see our faults but they dont notice that they are also not perfect.

Nic Nic said...

hmm i have been through that phase.... when i was 16/17. but in the end, i hate to say it, she was right!

mother knows best... i think she wants the best for u.. sometime they can be really spiteful. I have been through it all before.

sometimes it can be smothering...

and it really helped when i moved away for uni..

ull have enough time to prove to mother once u have finished school... in the mean time u should do something to show u have initiatives. anything! prove her wrong.. in the positive way.

alienman said...

*hugs* Wish I were there to hug you right now.

I understand the western values of communication, but the whole "talk to your parents" thing is probably the worst advice I've ever followed. Sorry, jewels, I don't mean anything against you. I've tried it and I've regretted it. I would never advise this to any Asian-American. It only ended up making me feel more hopeless and helpless. With Asians, "talking" won't get us anywhere. You could be as honest about your feelings as possible and they'll still take it all the wrong way. Believe me. The only way I could get my mother to listen was to finally give up on her and pretty much make all attempts to sever my relationship with my family. I didn't expect this to traumatize her into being more attentive toward my feelings. I was seriously going to leave them for good and be dead to them. I know that I'm one of the "lucky" ones b/c other parents would have easily disowned their daughters for being disobedient. Not that I feel lucky about it since I wish it never had to go this far. I, too, am too traumatized and too distrusting towards them, now, that I actually want to vomit every time my mom shows me any affection.

We are ALL rooting for you, sweetie, and we want you to be strong and pull through this as we have or are. At the least, you have fellow Asian bloggers who have been through the same trials and understand your pain. I wish I could tell you that I learned something great from all this that would make things easier for you, but that's sadly not the case.

Emeria said...

awww thanks hon!!

You're site is sooo damn cute. I wish i had better html/layout making skills!

Uhm I don't know where you live, but if you live near an H&M you should try there. Thats where I got that one and it was dirt cheap..or well maybe not that dirt cheap, but less then a hundred and the quality is superb! If not maybe a forever? I know there's alot in season right now or I got my other pea coat (a charcoal gray one) in this store called New York and Co. It's like a place where my mom would probably shop but their pea coats were really nice!!

Haha sorry for the long response, but i hope this helps!! :] Let me know if you do get one. I think pea coats are time less. Always good to have at least one in handy for the winter season! Very good investment!

As far as your mom, that's how my dad use to be. That was until he and my mom divorced. Honestly you can't change a parent's parenting style/ how they do/think things even if you are the epitome of a great child/ daughter. You have to learn how to cope things in your own way whether it be writing in a journal or going for a long walk during stressful times. Just keep in mind to stay strong and you'll be out of the house sooner than you know it! It would help if maybe you had a cousin or other relative you can tell your problems too :]. And as hard as it may be when your mom says something hurtful or whatever let it go in one ear and out the other. Don't let it phase you!

Anonymous said...

My mother was the same until I stopped showing her my grades and also when I moved out. I can have a 98 and she would ask where are the other 2 points? No congratulations, no good job. It's still an A and that's all that matters. Other students would say my parents would love a kid like you. I feel your pain. Everything will be ok. I think it really helps when you're not under the same roof.

BunnieAnn said...

You poor dear, I know exactly how you feel. I'm a human slave to my parents, I don't go out, I call everything for their businesses, take them to do paper work, take them and my siblings to doctor appointments when they need to go. Deal with my siblings' school work, do house chores, and I'm also a student, yet I'm a failure and a lazy piece of crap that will never make it in life to them. Anyways, I deal with it by talking back, giving them the silent treatment, and lying to them to visit my boyfriend in New Mexico every 2 months or so. Even though we've been together for 3.5 years they still freak out like we just met, it's retarded. But I'm not saying that being rebellious is the answer. I'm just really stubborn, I guess that's how they made me become, bitter and stubborn at times. Do what you have to do isn't harmful to others to be happy, that's what I live by. I hope things get better for you and all of us out there that have this issue!! But I love my parents, I wish they would just..STOP! =)

Aradani said...

reading your entry brought back old memories of similar instances. my relationship with my mother was bad at times and they just somehow went away at times. Usually when she becomes preoccupied with something else. Now I live with my older brother and sister-in-law. the distance keeps the time i do spend with my mom fun.
i can only hope this can be put behind you and your mom somehow. i'm with everyone else.
stay strong.

Audrie said...

I guess I am one of the lucky few that have relatively lax and liberal Asian parents that accept me for who I am, so it is hard for me to relate to your situation, but I agree with alienman that talking to them is really not the best idea, because their values and beliefs are pretty much set in stone already, especially at this age, and nothing you say will really change that. Another bad thing to do would be to be rebellious and try to run away, do bad/dangerous things, etc. because that will tighten their grip on you even more and also hurt them emotionally, which I'm sure you do not want to do. I think that the best thing you can do for yourself right now is to just accept that this is your family and this is who they are and how they will be, and to move beyond that and try to see that their criticisms and strictness are the only ways they know how to show love and care for you. You may never please them enough but as long as you know that you yourself have tried your best and that you are successful in your own way then that's all that matters. Just hang tight for these few years and once you graduate college you will be able to be independent and move out on your own. I hope you feel better about this situation and look on the brighter side of things! :)

Sher said...

hey. Just passing by your blog (are you a cosplayer? cause you seem familiar....) anywhoo I completely understand. I thought i was the only one. My parents are insane and talking does absolutely nothing because they DO NOT listen and mock me while I'm serious :( I have some parent rants as well on my blog. its great to rant when theyre being dumb :(z

' * : . b | u 3 . : * ' said...

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I hope that things will somehow improve between you and them! Hopefully they should see after a while that you're mature enough to make your decisions yourself. I'm pretty lucky that my parents are quite laid back (for asians that is). I never realised that most asian parents are actually extremely critical of their children until I met my bf's mom. Stay strong though and don't let their put downs get to you...thats how my bf deals with his mom pretty much.

Iyah said...

Hi! I'm a new reader :)

I totally understand what you're going through. Almost 2 years ago, I was living with my parents. I do everything (chores wise) but I have strict curfew. I have to be home by this time or else they'll ground me. I've broken the curfew so many times, got grounded so many times. Got hurt emotionally and just want to ran away like you but then back then I was still at school, no car, no money, nowhere to turn to. Until one big argument lead me to pack my things and just went ahead and left.

Where did I go? to my boyfriend's house. lol. he lives 1 hour away from my house. Good thing he totally understood everything and welcomed me there.

I continued going to school, so much sacrifice. The bf had to bring me to school, take me home after then supported me financially.

Now, were married :D My family and I are okay now. I finished my school, got a job at the hospital, got my own car and house.

I don't regret running away :) I felt proud of myself. haha! :)

I hope it will work out bet you and your mom. *HUGS*

Che said...

Hey I completely understand where you're coming from and can relate to everything you said. I am the only daughter and the eldest so there is a lot of pressure and expectations placed on me. I used to fight a lot more with my parents especially about my grades at school and how they weren't good enough for my parents expectations. If I did well in one subject, they would totally ignore that and focus on on the one subject that was my worst. I feel like I can never win with them and I always fall short of their expectations. Since I'm in college now they aren't as strict anymore and give me more freedom. I get in the occasional argument with them but usually I try to stay away from them and just do my own thing to avoid conflict. I have never run away from home because I never had the guts to but I want to move out in the near future because I feel like I'm missing out on life a lot. Don't worry you aren't alone in this situation I know exactly what you are going through, I think that asian mothers just want their kids to strive for the best and they think the best way to motivate them is to nag.

Jessica said...

I am in the exact same situation ... Not even exaggerating lol she said a couple of times that I will end up homeless but I'm doing pretty good in school and I'm beating most of my friend's grades =\ aand she still keeps calling me dumb preppy etc... She thinks of me as a rebel T.T I've seen much worse and when I tell her about how alot of people are much worse in school than me she doesn't listen and just says "stop comparing yourself to the worst, compare with the best" as far as I know the people who are acing everything has parents who are awesome and actually care about you >.> unlike her

Anonymous said...

My mom's not so bad, but I feel sorry for my little sister. She's convinced that my sister isn't as "bright" or "smart" as I am, even though my sis gets good grades too. Sometimes I feel as if my mom is so sweet, but then she flips insane and go on rants about me. It's like she picks days to pick on either my sister or me, like "it's Monday, I'll trash talk about you in front of everyone." And there are days when I just think that I can't deal with this level of bipolar-ness anymore because she just doesn't LISTEN to me.
But that's not as bad as your situation.
Say, it's been a few years since your post, how's the situation now?

IchigoBunnie said...

anonymous:

situation is good now :) she doesn't put me down anymore. i had a big talk with her long time ago about it. the only concern now is that she worries too much over me and then says stuff like "oh no you're going to get into an accident" as if im some bad driver. but most of the time she compliments me now

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