Finals are finally over! whoo hoo! I failed my stats exam for sure. I left half blank, and guess on the other half. It was awful. Needless to say, the test raped me.
I wanted to make this post as sort of setting myself a goal. I noticed within a year, I lost my independence. I sort of lost who I am. I've become this dependent-on-others-for-fun kind of person and that's not good, because what if they just aren't available? What if they're on vacation or they unfortunately pass away, or maybe they simply don't have time due to whatever reason---I need to be able to stand up and create my own fun, make my own happiness.
I often find myself sitting here at the computer, staring at it if you will, rather than doing something productive, or going out with my friends. I'm just weird. I want friends, and I want more of them, but I'm always scared to make new friends. My overwhelming fear of meeting someone who isn't good makes me scared to make friends. Haven't yall met someone like that? They're no good but they just WON'T leave you alone and you cant "get rid of them"(for lack of a better word)?
This summer I'm trying to get in touch with friends I don't hang out with often and getting myself busy. I've been feeling depressed around the clock and it's so not healthy. My friend told me that she noticed I usually talk about other people's lives or how they affect me, problems I have with other people--my complaints or rants or simple fun conversations always seem to involve other people too much. She said I don't talk about myself enough, what I want to do in life, what hobbies I want to take up, where do I see myself a couple years from now, all of that kind of stuff. I always thought I was selfish--and I guess I am depending on which part of me you point to, but I suppose my friend is right that I need to become more selfish in this area--doing things I want, doing things I know make me happy, and doing things I always wish I could do but haven't yet.
I used to be relatively happy, going out with friends almost once a week, and summer was great. I hung out with everyone several times a week actually. This was back when I was still in a relationship with my now ex. Ever since I broke up, even though I have more freedom to do whatever, I just haven't utilized that freedom at all. And I sorta don't know how to. I like being alone and stuff, but I have this need for other human contact too.
This summer i WILL :
- READ. I never realized how illiterate I am--I'm so ashamed of it. It's no wonder I can barely take tests (because I don't understand the questions) and form grammatically correct sentences on some things I want to say. Time to fix this. Plus it'll help let time pass by when I get too bored at home and feel too lonely. I should get myself lost in another world--escape this one.
- SEW. I've ALWAYS wanted to sew clothes. I've been too lazy to try to figure out how to use the sewing machine and do stuff. Well I found some patterns that I like and my goal is to make at least ONE thing clothing item this summer.
- FRIENDS. Hang out with them, have a good time, and when I do go out with them, I need to leave my worries behind and forget everything. Enjoy the moment. Plus I'm sure they don't want to hang around me if I'm being emo :(
- SLEEP. After a year, I've lost so much sleep. I constantly yawn and can't even focus at work even though it's so simple to do the tasks. I'm absent minded all the time. There are tons of bad side effects from lack of sleep, such as Type 2 diabetes and other stuff. I have problems sleeping in--my body just won't let me. So far I managed to sleep til 9am, and get outta bed at noon. Time to actually SLEEP til noon...
- GAME. I know this sounds absurd but I do enjoy gaming--I just suck at it and it's hard to enjoy gaming with everyone when you constantly lose 1 second after lol. I wanna play your typical Mario games, but what I'm mostly concentrated on is Company of Heroes. It's an RTS and boy is it HARD. Pretty much a guy-exclusive game and so they're rough lol. This will also help me pass some time. I also never realized til now that games really are means of socializing. If you think about it, you're in your dorm room and how many times do your floor-mates hop on over to chit chat and play Mario Kart with you etc you know? Good clean fun.
- WORK. I need more money lol. I guess who doesn't? I also need to be productive and learn how to do things. I was somewhat offered an internship that I do not know I have been accepted yet, but oh well that's okay. Worst case scenario, I remain at the same job I have now, or I search for other ones.
- LOVE MYSELF. This is most important. It's so easy to hate ourselves over something bad we've done. The past is the past, and though my past DOES haunt my future on a daily basis, I need to learn to keep my head up high, push forward, and I need to DO--not hope anymore. Hoping just leads to expectations and most of the time they get broken and you end up feeling worse than the beginning. I have so many flaws and so many faults that i beat myself up for. Time to believe that I really am a great person, and I'm only human so I will make mistakes, and I just need to learn from them.
Within a month into summer, I hope I repair my broken self into someone I used to be. Lots of times we hate who we used to be. Well for me, I look back and wish I could be that person again. I feel like I turned into a monster. I lost myself, as I have already mentioned. I gotta build back up my independence and happiness so that I'll enjoy others, and they can enjoy me with no fights or emo moments etc.
Sorry for the long post...I just had too many thoughts in my mind. If yall have advice on how yall got out from the hole and into happiness, I'd love to hear what yall have to say. Thanks :) Hope yall are doing well.
and for anyone who is curious or can even see what I'm wearing lol, I'm wearing:
-jeans from Vietnam
-Bass Co. ballet flats